ANGER AND FORGIVENESS
Reflections in the Context of Inner Healing
 
 
Matthew Ropp
 
 
MB544, Deep-level Healing
Dr. Charles Kraft, Spring 1998
Fuller Theological Seminary, School of World Mission

Table of Contents

Table of Contents
Anger
Sources and Nature of Anger
Biblical View of Anger
Results of Anger and Unforgiveness
Releasing Anger-Forgiveness
What Forgiveness Is and What It Is Not
Barriers to Forgiveness
When to Forgive
Ministry Methods for Leading People to Forgiveness
Look For Unforgiveness In Ministry
Wanting To Get Well - Dealing With the Pain
Forgiveness of Those Not Present
Faith Picturing Techniques
Wishing You Wanted To Forgive
Affirming Validity Of Anger
Understanding the Perpetrator's Past
Not Forgiving Innocents
Taking Personal Responsibility
No Secret Bargaining Point
The Continuing Process
Beyond Forgiveness to Love
An Exercise - Twelve Steps to Forgiveness
Forgiving Ourselves
Forgiving God
Expressing Anger
Conclusion
References Cited

    In my own journey in inner healing over the past few months, I have found anger to be both an important and yet very confusing issue. I have found myself angry at things I certainly didn't realize I was and, even after finding that anger, I have been very emotionally reticent and unsure how to express it and move beyond it. This paper is an attempt, really, to help myself (and perhaps others who might read this) deal with these issues. I will attempt below to both compile and summarize the writings on anger and forgiveness from the required reading for this course, from which I will quote extensively, as well as to share a little of my own journey and any insight I might have picked up on the way. After discussing the sources and dynamics of anger, forgiveness will be discussed extensively, as it is they key for overcoming anger and it seems to me that if you need to forgive someone, it because you are still angry at them!

Anger

Sources and Nature of Anger

    What are the sources of anger? Where does it come from? In inner healing, we are dealing primarily with anger from the past, not with things that may make us angry today (although often the two are related). As such, we will here deal with sources in the past that result in harbored anger, bitterness, resentment, and hate.

    The basic source of anger in our pasts is hurt of some kind. "When hurt, people usually respond with anger, resentment, and the desire for revenge" (Kraft 1993:67). One hurt that often results in anger is loss, especially the loss of a loved one through death or divorce. Anger and resentment may have started in the womb or at birth, or from early reactions to some type of abuse. In cases of no overt abuse but where there was neglect of some kind, anger may be blocked, however, as children remember only the good things about their parents (Sandford 1982:102-3). The anger of many women toward men is traceable to awareness in the womb of their father's abusiveness. There may also be anger against the mother for not protecting the child (Kraft 1993:185).

    Anger can develop at any time, however, over any issues and should be dealt with in order to avoid deeper hurts. "When someone sins against you and you do not forgive that person 'from your heart,' a seed of bitterness takes root in your heart and makes evil welcome to come and dwell there" (Flynn and Gregg 1993:93). The Sandford's believe that all of us have anger at God and anger at our parents whether we are aware of it or not (Sandford 1985:452)! The real problem is hate. David Seamands writes: "The anger, the resentment, the hate that gets buried deep down inside. Sometimes I ask people when I'm counseling with them, 'Would the word rage be too strong?' They often hang their heads and say, 'No. That's right.'" (Seamands 1991:96).

(return to the Table of Contents)

Biblical View of Anger

    We should examine the biblical view of anger. The primary issue with respect to anger is whether or not it is sin. Many of us have grown up in Christian homes or even come to Christ later in life and subtly learned from our churches and homes that we shouldn't be angry. Even while giving at least lip service to the notion that anger is not sin, a healthy expression of anger is usually neither modeled or encouraged. So we conclude that anger actually is wrong. Yet Jesus was sometimes angry (see Mk 3:5, for example), and we know he was without sin. The biblical answer is clear: anger is not necessarily sin-"Be angry but do not sin…" (Eph 4:26a, NRSV). In fact, this verse commands us to be angry!
[People] have many times been led to feel that the anger itself is sinful. This is not the case, as we learn from Ephesians 4:26. Seamands writes, "It is high time some of us get over our childish ideas on this subject. Anger is not a sinful emotion. In fact, there are no sinful emotions. There are only sinful uses of emotions… Anger is a divinely planted emotion. Closely aligned to our instinct for right, it is designed-as are all our emotions-to be used for constructive spiritual purposes." (David Seamands, Putting Away Childish Things, 46 in Kraft 1993:154-5)
    The second half of this command in Ephesians also makes it clear, however, that anger may lead to sin. It is clear from such verses as Mt 5:22, 2 Co 12:20, Gal 5:19-21, Co 3:8, and Jas 1:19,20 that we must be very careful with our anger-if we hold onto it we will be liable to judgement, it can be a work of the flesh, we are to rid ourselves of it, and be slow to become angry. I'm not exactly sure where the line is where anger becomes sin. Part of it may be in our attitude, and it is certainly related to whether in our anger we strike out at others or not, whether or not we hold onto anger, and that we "not let the sun go down on [our] anger" (Eph 4:26b, NRSV). For the purposes of our discussion in relation to inner healing, the problem is more often that anger from childhood has been suppressed and never expressed at all.

    This failure to release anger is also sin and risky, as we will see in the next section. Charles Kraft writes: "So the problem is not with the angry reaction. It is with keeping the anger. God, knowing that keeping anger will damage us badly, has made it possible for us to give him our right to anger and revenge. So we are to give up our right to those emotions in order to be free" (Kraft 1993:68). When anger is expressed, it can sometimes be a very healthful and even useful anger. It may "lead to some wise decisions on the part of the victim, such as getting help for himself or herself and identifying the abuser and holding the abuser accountable for what he or she has done" (Rich Buhler, Pain and Pretending, 76,77 in Kraft 1993:68).

(return to the Table of Contents)
 

Results of Anger and Unforgiveness

    When we do not express and then release our anger through forgiveness, we suppress it and it does not simply go away.
If he suppresses it, that stimulus does not die. It foments a ferment in his heart. Somewhere, somehow it will express, even if only by silent rejection, while subliminally [his] emotional nature is unknowingly murdering his wife. …[T]hat original hurt cannot be denied. It lives, repressed and forgotten" (Sandford 1982:96-7).
The anger lives within us, buried in unforgiveness. Mike Flynn and Doug Gregg, as well as Kraft, paint dramatic pictures of what this unforgiveness can do to a person:
Unforgiveness has rightly been called the cancer of the soul, and it is perhaps the greatest block to emotional and spiritual healing. It gives room to bitterness, anger, hurt, rage and other tangled emotions that block our emotional and spiritual growth. Unforgiveness creates an inner prison, and the only key to open the prison door is forgiveness. Our prayer should always be that God would overcome our pride, stubbornness and desire for revenge, and bring us quickly to forgive so that we may receive his abundant mercy and forgiveness ourselves" (Flynn and Gregg 1993:93).
"So it is spiritually with unforgiveness. If we refuse to get rid of it, there is a law in the universe-a law just as firm and unbending as the law of gravity-that sees to it that we get poisoned from inside. The consequences of ignoring this principle are serious problems in emotions, body, and spirit. In fact, unforgiveness is like emotional and spiritual cancer. As it spreads, it blocks emotional and spiritual healing and can lead to a kind of spiritual death. It can even be one of the roots causes of numerous serious physical illnesses." (Kraft 1993:154)
    Very clear from the above quotes is that repressed anger and unforgiveness are extremely damaging. It is found at the root of many problems. David Seamands says that the "most concise definition of depression I know is this: 'Depression is frozen rage.' … As surely as the night follows the day, depression follows unresolved, repressed, or improperly expressed anger" (Seamands 1991:125). Seamands also says that he has never counseled a person struggling with perfectionism that was not deep inside somewhere very angry. "The anger may be buried underneath layers of timidity, meekness, and spiritual piety, but it's there" (Seamands 1991:96). Resentment and bitterness deep inside also may cause us to lash out in disproportionate anger in our current relationships:
Christians are particularly confused when they then "take it out" on someone nearby-a spouse or a child they love. This, in turn, fills them with remorse, guilt, and spiritual defeat. They are further bewildered because they can't figure out where it all comes from.. Most likely they unwittingly drilled into some ancient and untapped river of resentment which, like a sudden oil strike, "blew" up (Seamands 1985:91-2).
Some people have even made their hatred a part of their very personalities, building their lives around it (Seamands 1985:158). "She was unwilling to let go of her hatred and anger, because they had become part of her self-definition and of her protection from further hurt" (Flynn and Gregg 1993:118-9).

    Also affected by undealt with anger, resentment, bitterness and hate are our own physical bodies, as the following two quotes demonstrate.

It appears that harboring resentment can cause punishment to one's own body. The subconscious-which controls involuntary functions such as secretions, heartbeat and breathing-gets the notion that punishment is due someone because of the conscious mind's bitterness. And the subconscious, unaware that the anger is toward someone else, applies it toward what it controls: one's own body (Flynn and Gregg 1993:93).
At other times, the stress from this repressed hate expresses itself through the body language of sickness. There are many illnesses which many have their roots in unhealed resentments. … When Christians fail to express their true feelings, their bodies cry out through the voices of pain and illness. This is especially true of resentments buried so deep they are not even allowed to enter into conscious memories (Seamands 1985:91).
Kraft writes of ministry sessions where he has prayed with a person with significant pain in their back and shoulders which disappeared almost immediately after releasing pent-up anger through forgiveness (Kraft 1993:153).

    Holding onto anger likewise results in spiritual problems and danger. In his book Victory Over the Darkness, Neil Anderson shares two verses which he found related to one of his clients:
 

The first one is Ephesians 4:26,27: "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity." Daisy's unresolved anger toward her father was never confessed, and since she had repressed her anger instead of dealing with it, she had give the devil an opportunity, a "foothold" (NIV), literally a place in her life (Anderson 1990:177).
Holding onto anger can lead to spiritual bondage to Satan! In his chapter in Deep Wounds, Deep Healing on deep-level healing and demonization, Kraft says that it is very important to deal with the emotional "garbage" in our lives so the devil cannot find this "foothold" spoken of in Ephesians. When this doesn't happen, Satan must be pleased with the results. "Over and over I have dealt with people who, in response to verbal, sexual, or physical abuse have reacted in anger, resentment, and unforgiveness. They have held onto these emotions and gotten demonized" (Kraft 1993:263).
Forgiving daily with your will is vital for your protection in spiritual warfare. Living and walking in the darkness of unforgiveness leaves you vulnerable to "fiery darts" of the enemy. Scripture says that forgiving and being forgiven helps you "walk in the light as He is in the light" (1 John 1:7,9). It keeps you in right relationship with God and under the protection of the blood of Jesus (Bennett 1987:159).
(return to the Table of Contents)
 

Releasing Anger-Forgiveness

    We have established that unresolved and supressed anger, often deep inside of us and even unacknowledged, is a serious problem that leads to emotional, physical, and spiritual problems in our lives. Now we will discuss what to do about it! The biblical answer is (as you might expect) forgiveness. Listed here are several New Testament passages dealing with forgiveness (all quotations are from the NRSV - emphases mine).
 
And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. … For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (Mt 6:12-15).

Then Peter came and said to him, "Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times. … Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?' And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt. So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart" (Mt 18:21-35).

Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses (Mk 11:25).

Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven (Lk 6:37)…

Then Jesus said, "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing." And they cast lots to divide his clothing (Lk 23:34).

If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained (Jn 20:23).

Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you (Eph 4:31-32).

Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive (Co 3:13).

Forgiveness is thus obviously a very important biblical concept. "There is no question that forgiveness is the key relational issue in the Bible" (Seamands 1985:150). We are commanded to forgive and even our own forgiveness becomes conditional on us forgiving others! Seamands explains how forgiveness can be conditional while salvation is unconditional:
We often speak of grace and of our salvation being unconditional. This is true in the sense that there are no conditions of merit we humans can meet. … But in another sense, forgiveness is conditioned by our response. It is still unconditional, because the very ability to respond depends upon His grace. … But God has so created us that forgiving is basic to our responding to His gift of grace. It would seem He has made us so that unless we truly forgive others, we make it impossible for Him to forgive us. … It is impossible because He has made us psychologically so that we are not able to receive His forgiveness unless we forgive. … If we want forgiveness without forgiving, we are asking God to violate His own moral nature. This He cannot and will not do. (Seamands 1985:150,51).
    Forgiveness is essential, however, not only because it is commanded of us. It is also at the heart of our healing. "The greatest block to receiving healing at the deepest level is unforgiveness. It seems to be a rule: wallowing in unforgiveness creates such disruption in our physical and emotional being that the consequences can be quite serious" (Kraft 1993:152-3). However, "When you surrender your anger and oversensitivity to injustice and unfairness, you won't have trouble with self-pity, and your depressions will lessen immediately" (Seamands 1991:128).
We come now to the subject of forgiveness which is the very crux of the healing of memories-forgiveness in the sense of forgiving and being forgiven. It would be impossible for me to exaggerate its importance in the healing process. It is at this point that the greatest struggles of prayer will take place, and where counselors will expend the most spiritual energy (Seamands 1985:150).
(return to the Table of Contents)
 

What Forgiveness Is and What It Is Not

    It is important to understand what forgiveness is and what it is not. Forgiveness is most basically a release of our anger against someone unto God. "When we forgive, we release the one we have been holding something against from our anger, bitterness, resentment, and desire for revenge. We do not declare that person 'not guilty.' Rather, we recognize his or her guilt and give to God our right to pay the person back" (Kraft 1993:153). Forgiveness is not denying the pain of an event or saying that it was okay for someone to hurt us. "Forgiving is not forgetting. … Forgiveness does not mean that you must tolerate sin. … Forgiveness does not demand revenge or repayment for offenses suffered. … Forgiveness means resolving to live with the consequences of another person's sin" (Anderson 1990:201-2). Forgiveness and giving up of anger is also not spiritual denial. "It requires honest facing of our feelings and admitting that they are there. God requires complete truthfulness. God only heals those who fact the facts and give the heavy burden of such feelings to him" (Kraft 1993:155). Forgiveness is also not giving up our right to protect ourselves. "It does not mean we give up common sense, reason, and those resources available to us for our protection" (Kraft 1993:159).

(return to the Table of Contents)
 

Barriers to Forgiveness

    Although essential for our healing, forgiveness is anything but easy. There are many barriers to forgiveness. One of the greatest difficulties is often we don't even realize that we still carry resentment and thus need to forgive. Problems in our current emotional, spiritual, and physical lives are good indicators however.
…If a bad fruit exists, a hidden unforgiveness must lie at the root. … People almost invariably think they have forgiven when they haven't. And how shall we know? By simple, pure logic according to God's Word. If the problem is still there, forgiveness is incomplete (Sandford 1982:101).
Another great barrier to forgiveness is the simple fact that because the person has caused us so much pain we don't want to forgive them. One solution for overcoming this may be in pointing to the fact that, until someone is forgiven, they will continue to hurt us because we have not released ourselves from the past. "Forgiveness is the only way to stop the pain" (Anderson 1990:203).
Sometimes we are afraid to forgive others because it seems to give them the power or permission to hurt us again. But actually the contrary is true. It is when we do not forgive that we continue to give people negative influence over our thoughts, our actions, and, as explained above, even our bodies (Flynn and Gregg 1993:94).
(return to the Table of Contents)
 

When to Forgive

    We have looked at forgiveness, what it and is not, and some barriers to forgiveness. But when do we forgive? This has been one of the biggest challenges for me personally. I understand that I need to get over my anger, to offer it up to the Lord and forgive the person involved. At the same time, the anger must really be dealt with and there can be a danger of just forgiving superficially and not really addressing the depth of the hurt and hate often involved. Ruth Bennett, in her book Making Peace With Your Inner Child, has given me the most valuable insight into this area.

    First she presents the problem:

Some therapists, secular and Christian alike, warn against forgiving too quickly, before you have expressed your anger. This applies especially where abuse or molesting has gone on for a long time. If you forgive too quickly, they believe, you will be likely either to repress your real feelings and/or will feel guilty. I agree you should not be superficial in dealing with your anger, but on the other hand, as the Apostle Paul says, you should not "let the sun go down on you wrath" (Ephesians 4:26). To me this means that by the end of each day you need, with God's help, to forgive and be forgiven (Bennett 1987:158-9).
Then she proceeds with what (to me) is a very insightful solution!
How can this paradox be reconciled? How can you forgive right away, and yet take time to get in touch with your deep feelings? By soul-healing prayer you can do both. You can forgive with your will immediately, or at least by the end of each day, and then forgive deeply with your emotions from the past, taking time to do this, perhaps over a period of years. … The first is forgiving on the level of your relationship with God. The second is forgiving on the level of your relationship with man. … The first cleanses you in your relationship to God. The second releases you in your relationship to people (Bennett 1987:159-160).
I find this incredibly helpful. Obedient to God's word, I can willfully live in a continuing attitude of forgiveness. As I seek healing I can over and over again, as I become aware of hidden anger, will to forgive those who have hurt me (or I have perceived to hurt me). I can ask God for the grace to do this. At a deeper level, however, in the midst of a willful attitude of forgiveness, I can then really feel the anger, perhaps expressing it in some cathartic way, and move towards forgiving with my emotions as well-really feeling my forgiveness and overcoming my anger. This does not have to be accomplished all at once.

(return to the Table of Contents)
 

Ministry Methods for Leading People to Forgiveness

    In this section we will explore various methods and ways to help people work through their anger and actually forgive. We should remember that the basis and power for all forgiveness and reconciliation comes from God through Jesus Christ. "The power of forgiveness is the blood of Jesus. And the blood of Jesus is sufficient (Heb. 10:19-29)" (Sandford 1982:98).

Look For Unforgiveness In Ministry

It is essential that we look for unforgiveness in those we are ministering to: "Forgiveness is so basic, we are well advised to deal with it early on in ministry. The "rule of thumb" in deep-level healing is, look for unforgiveness" (Kraft 1993:153). We should start looking for unforgiveness not only early in ministry, but look for the roots early in counselee's lives. Prebirth, birth, childhood, and adolescent experiences all need to be taken seriously. (Kraft 1993:153)

Wanting To Get Well - Dealing With the Pain

In order to get well, the person struggling must really want to and they must be willing to deal with pain.
We must be willing to face the past, to move past denial, to be honest and open, to fight patterns of fear or anger, to battle the oppression of the enemy-in brief, to work at getting well. … Patterns of anger, unforgiveness or denial, which were perhaps necessary for survival at an earlier stage of life, must be understood, faced, and surrendered to God. There must be a willing desire to work through whatever is there, even anger at God." (Flynn and Gregg 1993:118)
"…The first step toward forgiveness is to acknowledge feelings of resentment and hate" (Seamands 1985:151). The client must look at some very specific hurts and be willing to relinquish all feelings of resentment. He or she must be willing to let go of any desire to get even and fully and unconditionally forgive (Seamands 1985:154-5).
The healing process must include the courage to unmask the anger, bring it out before God, and put it on the Cross where it belongs. There will be no healing until it is acknowledged, confronted, and resolved. Resolution means forgiving every person involved in that hurt and humiliation; it means surrendering every desire for a vindictive triumph over that person; it means allowing God's forgiving love to wash over your guilt-plagued soul." (Seamands 1991:96-7)

Forgiveness of Those Not Present

We can also forgive those who are not present or deceased and with whom there is no possibility of reconciling with in person. Forgiveness does not necessarily require a personal reconciliation.
Many people confusedly think that have to go back and find whoever the person was and talk it out, and since the person may have died, there is no way. … Whoever hurt us may be unaware, or if aware, thought it long ago forgiven and done with. The counselor can pray for the forgiveness to be accomplished purely within the hidden heart of the counselee (Sandford 1982:102).

Forgiving someone, however, does not require the presence of the one to be forgiven. It is an individual act of one who has been hurt and desires to be free. Since the command to forgive is absolute, the first order of business is to help the person to forgive the deceased. Even if the person we need to forgive has passed away, we are required to release her or him from our unforgiveness (Kraft 1993:211).

Faith Picturing Techniques

Various visualization methods are often helpful or more effective when praying for forgiveness:

Wishing You Wanted To Forgive

Those who have often hurt may often find themselves unable to forgive. They are filled with so much bitterness, hurt, and anger that they cannot will to forgive the person. If they do desire healing, however, they will usually be willing to at least move in that direction.
Sometimes the best a person can initially do is to "be willing to be made willing" to forgive. But that's usually enough to bring a considerable amount of healing. The person usually feels a great sense of relief. Given the depth of the hurt, we cannot expect everything to be taken care of quickly. Many years have gone into the making of the problem and the healing is likely to be a process. God accepts whatever steps we take towards obedience, and he will give the strength and grace to further the forgiveness process (Kraft 1993:122).
Rita Bennett calls this "wishing you wanted for forgive" and illustrates a similar dynamic to what Kraft describes above:
If you feel you cannot will to forgive, you can do what Gloria did. As you recall, she found it hard to forgive but she said, "I wish I was willing to forgive." You can even pray, "Lord I wish I wanted to want to forgive!" If you open the door of forgiveness even just a crack, God can get His healing light into your life." (Bennett 1987:92-3)

Affirming Validity Of Anger

In Deep Wounds, Deep Healing, Charles Kraft states several times that he often finds it helpful to affirm the anger and desire for revenge in someone he is ministering to. I think this may help especially for those who have long identified such anger in response to hurt as sin.
During ministry be sure to affirm people's right to be angry and even unforgiving. Most of those struggling with unforgiveness have been badly wounded by others. They need to realize that they have this right. Affirming the fact that their feelings are normal and that they have a right to keep them can be very freeing (Kraft 1993:154).
The important thing after affirming their anger and their right to it is then to get them to see that if they want to be healed they must give up that right.
I will often say something like this: "You have a right to be angry, hate, and even seek revenge. But if you exert that right … you will be enslaved to those feelings. And furthermore, you will probably never be able to get back at the perpetrators anyway. So Jesus says forgive them and get free" (Kraft 1993:128).

Understanding the Perpetrator's Past

…It is often helpful to lead them to look at the perpetrator's past life. Since victims create victims, those who hurt others have usually been badly treated themselves. Often a simple question such as, "What was your father or mother's early life like?" is sufficient to change the attitude of a wounded son or daughter toward his or her parent. When we see our parents or others who have hurt us as themselves victims in their early life, it is usually easier to forgive them. … Having such troubles is no excuse for the abusers to do what they have done. But understanding their pain makes it easier to forgive them (Kraft 1993:156).

Not Forgiving Innocents

It is also important for those we minister to and who may be struggling with forgiveness to understand that forgiving does not make the person innocent. They are still guilty of their sin against us. We are simply choosing to let God deal with that guilt and its payment and releasing them from our judgement (Kraft 1993:155).

Taking Personal Responsibility

Part of forgiveness is understanding that although we may have been helpless victims of abuse or other hurts we are still responsible for our own reactions-often sinful reactions. We must assume full responsibility for who we are and what we have done (Seamands 1985:155).
…We cannot blame other people or demons for the problems raised by our reactions. … If we want to be healed we must be determined to face and work through the events and our attitudes toward them. Attitudes such as anger, bitterness, fear, and resentment, whether initially identified as sins or not, need to be admitted and handed over to God. …He holds us accountable for our reactions. … When we have been victimized, God's rules require us to give up all right to revenge against those who have hurt us (Kraft 1993:148-9).
Realizing our own responsibility for our reactions is also important because we will likely need to confess our sin for hanging onto anger for so long, when we have been commanded to forgive. After giving forgiveness to others, the person being ministered to should be encouraged to confess and ask for forgiveness for their own sin. They should then be blessed with assurance of that forgiveness. (Note we should be careful not to bring up issues of the sinfulness of reactions too soon. If the person is still largely hurting, this will just pile more guilt upon their own self-condemnation.)

No Secret Bargaining Point

When we choose to forgive, we cannot hold onto a secret bargaining point with God-something like, "If I forgive, maybe I can get what I've always wanted from that person." We must relinquish this possibility too and forgive unconditionally. David Seamands came to this conclusion when he was working through forgiving his mother. "I was really trying to offer my forgiveness and love in return for the guarantee of a promissory note [for his mother's love]" (Seamands 1985:156).

The Continuing Process

Working through anger and forgiving those who have hurt us is a process that is not often accomplished quickly.
Often … releasing such intense feelings to God is a process rather than a single, once-for-all act. We who minister need to recognize this and not be impatient if people cannot shed all their anger and unforgiveness immediately. God understands this and often grants great freedom to those who have simply taken the first step of their journey toward completely forgiving those who have hurt them (Kraft 1993:155).
According to Seamands, forgiveness often needs to be reiterated, as even anger we thought we have worked through may come up on new levels. We need to be honest with our feelings before God. "The crisis of forgiving really means committing ourselves to be willing to continue the process, whenever it is necessary" (Seamands 1985:157).

Beyond Forgiveness to Love

Forgiveness should lead us to love and empower us for that love when it is complete. This love is, of course, the opposite of the hate, bitterness, and resentment that has been held onto for so long.
Beyond forgiveness, then, lies what for many is an even greater challenge, the challenge to learn to love the persons they have just forgiven. Scripturally, love is a choice, not an emotion. We are to choose to love people whether or not we like them. We are to choose to love even our enemies (Mt 5:44; Lk 6:27,35) and to bless those who have cursed us (Mt 5:44; Lk 6:28; Rom 12:14). The ability to love those who have harmed us is an undeniable demonstration of the freedom Christ bestows on us when we forgive (Kraft 1993:156).
Of course many times we may already love the person we are forgiving. That love itself may have initially been a block to admitting our anger.

An Exercise - Twelve Steps to Forgiveness

In Victory Over the Darkness, Neil Anderson gives a helpful exercise for working through forgiveness. Although too simplistic in some ways, this may be useful for many people to work through on their own and could then be gone over in counseling for any difficult areas (For deep hurts, Anderson does recommend seeking help from someone during step six). See his book for more details and explanation (Anderson 1990:203-5). 

Twelve Steps to Forgiveness
  1. Write on a sheet of paper the names of the person who offended you. Describe in writing the specific wrongs you suffered. 
  2. Face the hurt and the hate. Write down how you feel about these people and their offenses.
  3. Acknowledge the significance of the cross. It is the cross of Christ that makes forgiveness legally and morally right. 
  4. Decide that you will bear the burden of each person's sin (Gal. 6:1,2). 
  5. Decide to forgive. Forgiveness is a crisis of the will, a conscious choice to let the other person off the hook and free yourself from the past. 
  6. Take your list to God and pray the following: "I forgive (name) for (list the offenses)." 
  7. Destroy the list. You are now free. 
  8. Do not expect that your decision to forgive will result in major changes in the other persons. 
  9. Try to understand the people you have forgiven. They are victims also. 
  10. Expect positive results of forgiveness in you. 
  11. Thank God for the lessons you have learned and the maturity you have gained as a result of the offenses and your decision to forgive the offenders. 
  12. Be sure to accept your part of the blame for the offenses you suffered. Confess your failure to God and to others… 

(return to the Table of Contents)
 

Forgiving Ourselves

    Thus far we have dealt primarily with forgiving others. Often, however, we will also need to forgive two people we might forget about: ourselves and God. In this section we will deal with the first and then move on to forgiving God in the next. Forgiving oneself is often even more difficult than forgiving others. Hear Kraft, Flynn and Gregg, and Seamands on the subject:
…Victims tend to blame themselves for their problems, especially when they have been mistreated early in life. In ministry we frequently find such people unforgiving and angry towards themselves, as if they had been the perpetrators. In the wake of such attitudes often come self-condemnation, self-rejection, and self-hate, in many cases reinforced by demons (Kraft 1993:156, emphasis mine).

While it is difficult to forgive others, it is often even more difficult to forgive ourselves. Because of shame from sin or self-hatred arising from trauma or abuse, we find that we ourselves have become the enemy we need to forgive and to love (Mt 5:43-45) (Flynn and Gregg 1993:95, emphasis mine).

Sometimes the greatest battle is not in forgiving those who have hurt us, or in receiving God's forgiveness for our hates, but in trying to forgive ourselves. … Here again, counselors must emphasize the will to forgive ourselves and the commitment to continue doing this (Seamands 1985:159).

This self-condemnation and self-hatred has usually begin in childhood, as children unknowingly often blame themselves for the bad things that happen to them. I, for example, realized recently that in some ways I blamed myself for my father's death when I was only six years old. My childhood mind reasoned (more felt, actually), "If I was good enough, Daddy would have come home. It is my fault he died." It may help for the adult self to tell an inner child who thinks he or she is to blame that it wasn't his or her fault. Affirming a person's self worth as a child created in God's image could be very important as part of this process. See Anderson's Victory Over the Darkness for a very helpful discussion of the healing power of realizing our identity in Christ.

People may be struggling with guilt and unforgiveness of themselves for having unfinished business with someone who has died. "To resolve such a situation, the negligence that resulted in the decay will probably need to be confessed as sin first. Having accepted God's forgiveness, the person then needs to forgive himself or herself" (Kraft 1993:211). One important step toward self-forgiveness may be in knowing that Jesus has forgiven us and he expects us to forgive those he has forgiven (including ourselves) (Kraft 1993:157). David Seamands suggests some helpful questions for people who are having trouble forgiving themselves:

Will you right now ask God to give you the grace to forgive yourself? To abandon your strange desire to have higher standards than God does? Will you give up your right to condemn yourself? Will you ask God for the grace to never again remind Him of things He says He doesn't remember (Seamands 1985:159)?
(return to the Table of Contents)
 

Forgiving God

Forgiving God? You may ask, "Why would I need to forgive God? He's never done anything wrong or hurt me." True, but despite that fact you probably have blamed him for hurting you or abandoning you and, if you are willing to admit it, you are probably angry with him. We hold God responsible for the things that have happened to us (Seamands 1991:127), assume that he "can do anything he wants to do (including overruling the free will of those who hurt us)," perceiving abandonment or neglect on his part (Kraft 1993:64), and wonder how he could let such horrible things happen to us and not stop them when he is supposed to be a loving God (Kraft 1993:157-8 ) (Flynn and Gregg 1993:95,96). In short, we are very angry at him! "Some of our strongest bitterness is directed toward God… (Flynn and Gregg 1993:95-6)"

Anger at God may be very difficult for many Christians to admit, however. "This is not considered proper, even though we know Job, David, and undoubtedly many others have expressed their anger at God. Many, however, fear that God will disown us or punish us for our anger. So they, like Adam, try to hide their secret even from God himself (Kraft 1993:158)." Seamands describes the shock many people have felt during counseling times with him when they come to terms with their anger:

Perhaps the most puzzling and shocking experience of all is when devout Christians find themselves overrun by feelings of anger against God Himself. This is terribly hard to admit. I have spent many sessions gently leading counselees to the place where they finally realize their resentment against God. The shock has been so great that some have momentarily passed out in my office, or have became [sic] nauseated to the point of vomiting. For they love God and want to serve and please Him and are devastated when they discover this submerged anger against Him (Seamands 1985:92).
The Sandford's explain that it is not lack of faith to think such thoughts or a sin to be angry at God. Here again, many Christians struggle with feelings that anger itself is sin. But it is what we do with anger that makes it either righteousness or sin (Sandford 1985:445-6). Such anger may even be initially healthy.
It says that we believe in God and therefore expect that He ought to be there for us. … For the moment our anger says we love. … God can take it. He doesn't need you to defend Him! Let people express their angers (Sandford 1985:446).
    What does forgiving God mean, since we know he hasn't really done anything wrong?
…When Job repented (Job 42:2-6), he released God from his anger, bitterness, and resentment. This is what I mean by "forgiving God." Though we don't understand, we can give up our right to be angry at him, if effect agreeing, as Job did (40:3-5; 42:2-6) that God can run things, even our lives, his way. This is hard to agree to, but it is the only way to freedom." (Kraft 1993:158)
We must forgive God! "Forgiveness is not complete until God the Father is included. Scripture says, 'When a man's folly brings his way to ruin, his heart rages against the Lord' (Prov. 19:3 RSV) (Sandford 1982:105)." Even when our mind denies our anger against God, the Bible tells us that we will in our heart harbor anger against the Lord which we must, like all the other anger we have discussed, release to him. We should confess our sin and receive forgiveness at this point for harboring bitterness against him.

(return to the Table of Contents)
 

Expressing Anger

    Obvious by now should be that we need to deal with our anger! We have talked in depth about dealing with anger in the past, but what about new anger that arises? We need to admit as well, express it properly, forgive, and move on in order to avoid deeper wounding. "The principle of the parable [Mt 5:25-6] is, face griefs (or anger, hatred, fear, whatever) while it is rising to consciousness ("on the way with you"). The penalty is fullness of pain… (Sandford 1985:444)" Neil Anderson warns us, nevertheless, not to be indiscriminate in our expression of emotions. It may be "somewhat healthy for you, but it is usually unhealthy for others around you" (Anderson 1990:185).

    Sometimes we need some kind of cathartic or emotional expression of our anger to truly express it and not allow it to fester inside. A psychologist has suggested writing unsent letters to people, as a method for expressing one's true feelings and I have found it helpful. I risk baring my soul to you, but following is an unfinished and unsent letter I recently wrote to my father (deceased twenty years ago in a plane accident):

That is a letter obviously filled with intense emotion. I sobbed as I wrote it and it provided me with great release as I was able to come to terms with my anger, hidden so long beneath my love for him. Having expressed this, I was able at a deeper level to forgive my father for dieing. Other actions which may be a release are hitting something such as a pillow "tantrum style" or simply yelling at God or at the universe. God can handle it! Just try not to hit or yell at another person!

(return to the Table of Contents)
 

Conclusion

    If we want to be whole and free and stand fully in the beauty of God's presence we need to release our anger. We need to forgive. We need to likewise confess and receive forgiveness. These things are not easy, but the strength need not be our own. By the grace of the Lord and in the fellowship of the body of Christ, he will bring us to freedom. We can do all things through him that strengthens us (Phil 4:13)!
As God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful (Col 3:12-15, NRSV).
(return to the Table of Contents)
 

References Cited

Anderson, Neil
  1990    Victory Over the Darkness. Ventura, California: Regal Books.

Bennett, Rita
  1987    Making Peace With Your Inner Child. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Fleming H. Revell.

Flynn, Mike and Doug Gregg
  1993    Inner Healing. Downers Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press.

Holy Bible: The New Revised Standard Version.
  1989    Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Kraft, Charles H.
  1993    Deep Wounds, Deep Healing. Ann Arbor, Michigan: Servant Publications.

Sandford, John and Paula
  1982    The Transformation of the Inner Man. Tulsa, Oklahoma: Victory House.
  1985    Healing the Wounded Spirit. Tulsa, Oklahoma: Victory House.

Seamands, David A.
  1985    Healing of Memories. Wheaton, Illinois: Victor.
  1991    Healing for Damaged Emotions. Colorado Springs, Colorado: Victor.

 Return to the Table of Contents

 Return to paper index

 home