Table of Contents
AngerSources and Nature of AngerReleasing Anger-Forgiveness
Biblical View of Anger
Results of Anger and UnforgivenessWhat Forgiveness Is and What It Is NotExpressing Anger
Barriers to Forgiveness
When to ForgiveMinistry Methods for Leading People to ForgivenessForgiving Ourselves
Look For Unforgiveness In Ministry
Wanting To Get Well - Dealing With the Pain
Forgiveness of Those Not Present
Faith Picturing Techniques
Wishing You Wanted To Forgive
Affirming Validity Of Anger
Understanding the Perpetrator's Past
Not Forgiving Innocents
Taking Personal Responsibility
No Secret Bargaining Point
The Continuing Process
Beyond Forgiveness to Love
An Exercise - Twelve Steps to Forgiveness
Forgiving God
Conclusion
References Cited
The basic source of anger in our pasts is hurt of some kind. "When hurt, people usually respond with anger, resentment, and the desire for revenge" (Kraft 1993:67). One hurt that often results in anger is loss, especially the loss of a loved one through death or divorce. Anger and resentment may have started in the womb or at birth, or from early reactions to some type of abuse. In cases of no overt abuse but where there was neglect of some kind, anger may be blocked, however, as children remember only the good things about their parents (Sandford 1982:102-3). The anger of many women toward men is traceable to awareness in the womb of their father's abusiveness. There may also be anger against the mother for not protecting the child (Kraft 1993:185).
Anger can develop at any time, however, over any issues and should be dealt with in order to avoid deeper hurts. "When someone sins against you and you do not forgive that person 'from your heart,' a seed of bitterness takes root in your heart and makes evil welcome to come and dwell there" (Flynn and Gregg 1993:93). The Sandford's believe that all of us have anger at God and anger at our parents whether we are aware of it or not (Sandford 1985:452)! The real problem is hate. David Seamands writes: "The anger, the resentment, the hate that gets buried deep down inside. Sometimes I ask people when I'm counseling with them, 'Would the word rage be too strong?' They often hang their heads and say, 'No. That's right.'" (Seamands 1991:96).
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[People] have many times been led to feel that the anger itself is sinful. This is not the case, as we learn from Ephesians 4:26. Seamands writes, "It is high time some of us get over our childish ideas on this subject. Anger is not a sinful emotion. In fact, there are no sinful emotions. There are only sinful uses of emotions… Anger is a divinely planted emotion. Closely aligned to our instinct for right, it is designed-as are all our emotions-to be used for constructive spiritual purposes." (David Seamands, Putting Away Childish Things, 46 in Kraft 1993:154-5)The second half of this command in Ephesians also makes it clear, however, that anger may lead to sin. It is clear from such verses as Mt 5:22, 2 Co 12:20, Gal 5:19-21, Co 3:8, and Jas 1:19,20 that we must be very careful with our anger-if we hold onto it we will be liable to judgement, it can be a work of the flesh, we are to rid ourselves of it, and be slow to become angry. I'm not exactly sure where the line is where anger becomes sin. Part of it may be in our attitude, and it is certainly related to whether in our anger we strike out at others or not, whether or not we hold onto anger, and that we "not let the sun go down on [our] anger" (Eph 4:26b, NRSV). For the purposes of our discussion in relation to inner healing, the problem is more often that anger from childhood has been suppressed and never expressed at all.
This failure to release anger is also sin and risky, as we will see in the next section. Charles Kraft writes: "So the problem is not with the angry reaction. It is with keeping the anger. God, knowing that keeping anger will damage us badly, has made it possible for us to give him our right to anger and revenge. So we are to give up our right to those emotions in order to be free" (Kraft 1993:68). When anger is expressed, it can sometimes be a very healthful and even useful anger. It may "lead to some wise decisions on the part of the victim, such as getting help for himself or herself and identifying the abuser and holding the abuser accountable for what he or she has done" (Rich Buhler, Pain and Pretending, 76,77 in Kraft 1993:68).
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If he suppresses it, that stimulus does not die. It foments a ferment in his heart. Somewhere, somehow it will express, even if only by silent rejection, while subliminally [his] emotional nature is unknowingly murdering his wife. …[T]hat original hurt cannot be denied. It lives, repressed and forgotten" (Sandford 1982:96-7).The anger lives within us, buried in unforgiveness. Mike Flynn and Doug Gregg, as well as Kraft, paint dramatic pictures of what this unforgiveness can do to a person:
Unforgiveness has rightly been called the cancer of the soul, and it is perhaps the greatest block to emotional and spiritual healing. It gives room to bitterness, anger, hurt, rage and other tangled emotions that block our emotional and spiritual growth. Unforgiveness creates an inner prison, and the only key to open the prison door is forgiveness. Our prayer should always be that God would overcome our pride, stubbornness and desire for revenge, and bring us quickly to forgive so that we may receive his abundant mercy and forgiveness ourselves" (Flynn and Gregg 1993:93).
"So it is spiritually with unforgiveness. If we refuse to get rid of it, there is a law in the universe-a law just as firm and unbending as the law of gravity-that sees to it that we get poisoned from inside. The consequences of ignoring this principle are serious problems in emotions, body, and spirit. In fact, unforgiveness is like emotional and spiritual cancer. As it spreads, it blocks emotional and spiritual healing and can lead to a kind of spiritual death. It can even be one of the roots causes of numerous serious physical illnesses." (Kraft 1993:154)Very clear from the above quotes is that repressed anger and unforgiveness are extremely damaging. It is found at the root of many problems. David Seamands says that the "most concise definition of depression I know is this: 'Depression is frozen rage.' … As surely as the night follows the day, depression follows unresolved, repressed, or improperly expressed anger" (Seamands 1991:125). Seamands also says that he has never counseled a person struggling with perfectionism that was not deep inside somewhere very angry. "The anger may be buried underneath layers of timidity, meekness, and spiritual piety, but it's there" (Seamands 1991:96). Resentment and bitterness deep inside also may cause us to lash out in disproportionate anger in our current relationships:
Christians are particularly confused when they then "take it out" on someone nearby-a spouse or a child they love. This, in turn, fills them with remorse, guilt, and spiritual defeat. They are further bewildered because they can't figure out where it all comes from.. Most likely they unwittingly drilled into some ancient and untapped river of resentment which, like a sudden oil strike, "blew" up (Seamands 1985:91-2).Some people have even made their hatred a part of their very personalities, building their lives around it (Seamands 1985:158). "She was unwilling to let go of her hatred and anger, because they had become part of her self-definition and of her protection from further hurt" (Flynn and Gregg 1993:118-9).
Also affected by undealt with anger, resentment, bitterness and hate are our own physical bodies, as the following two quotes demonstrate.
It appears that harboring resentment can cause punishment to one's own body. The subconscious-which controls involuntary functions such as secretions, heartbeat and breathing-gets the notion that punishment is due someone because of the conscious mind's bitterness. And the subconscious, unaware that the anger is toward someone else, applies it toward what it controls: one's own body (Flynn and Gregg 1993:93).
At other times, the stress from this repressed hate expresses itself through the body language of sickness. There are many illnesses which many have their roots in unhealed resentments. … When Christians fail to express their true feelings, their bodies cry out through the voices of pain and illness. This is especially true of resentments buried so deep they are not even allowed to enter into conscious memories (Seamands 1985:91).Kraft writes of ministry sessions where he has prayed with a person with significant pain in their back and shoulders which disappeared almost immediately after releasing pent-up anger through forgiveness (Kraft 1993:153).
Holding onto anger likewise results in spiritual
problems and danger. In his book Victory Over the Darkness, Neil
Anderson shares two verses which he found related to one of his clients:
The first one is Ephesians 4:26,27: "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity." Daisy's unresolved anger toward her father was never confessed, and since she had repressed her anger instead of dealing with it, she had give the devil an opportunity, a "foothold" (NIV), literally a place in her life (Anderson 1990:177).Holding onto anger can lead to spiritual bondage to Satan! In his chapter in Deep Wounds, Deep Healing on deep-level healing and demonization, Kraft says that it is very important to deal with the emotional "garbage" in our lives so the devil cannot find this "foothold" spoken of in Ephesians. When this doesn't happen, Satan must be pleased with the results. "Over and over I have dealt with people who, in response to verbal, sexual, or physical abuse have reacted in anger, resentment, and unforgiveness. They have held onto these emotions and gotten demonized" (Kraft 1993:263).
Forgiving daily with your will is vital for your protection in spiritual warfare. Living and walking in the darkness of unforgiveness leaves you vulnerable to "fiery darts" of the enemy. Scripture says that forgiving and being forgiven helps you "walk in the light as He is in the light" (1 John 1:7,9). It keeps you in right relationship with God and under the protection of the blood of Jesus (Bennett 1987:159).(return to the Table of Contents)
And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. … For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (Mt 6:12-15).Forgiveness is thus obviously a very important biblical concept. "There is no question that forgiveness is the key relational issue in the Bible" (Seamands 1985:150). We are commanded to forgive and even our own forgiveness becomes conditional on us forgiving others! Seamands explains how forgiveness can be conditional while salvation is unconditional:Then Peter came and said to him, "Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times. … Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?' And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt. So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart" (Mt 18:21-35).
Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses (Mk 11:25).
Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven (Lk 6:37)…
Then Jesus said, "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing." And they cast lots to divide his clothing (Lk 23:34).
If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained (Jn 20:23).
Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you (Eph 4:31-32).
Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive (Co 3:13).
We often speak of grace and of our salvation being unconditional. This is true in the sense that there are no conditions of merit we humans can meet. … But in another sense, forgiveness is conditioned by our response. It is still unconditional, because the very ability to respond depends upon His grace. … But God has so created us that forgiving is basic to our responding to His gift of grace. It would seem He has made us so that unless we truly forgive others, we make it impossible for Him to forgive us. … It is impossible because He has made us psychologically so that we are not able to receive His forgiveness unless we forgive. … If we want forgiveness without forgiving, we are asking God to violate His own moral nature. This He cannot and will not do. (Seamands 1985:150,51).Forgiveness is essential, however, not only because it is commanded of us. It is also at the heart of our healing. "The greatest block to receiving healing at the deepest level is unforgiveness. It seems to be a rule: wallowing in unforgiveness creates such disruption in our physical and emotional being that the consequences can be quite serious" (Kraft 1993:152-3). However, "When you surrender your anger and oversensitivity to injustice and unfairness, you won't have trouble with self-pity, and your depressions will lessen immediately" (Seamands 1991:128).
We come now to the subject of forgiveness which is the very crux of the healing of memories-forgiveness in the sense of forgiving and being forgiven. It would be impossible for me to exaggerate its importance in the healing process. It is at this point that the greatest struggles of prayer will take place, and where counselors will expend the most spiritual energy (Seamands 1985:150).(return to the Table of Contents)
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…If a bad fruit exists, a hidden unforgiveness must lie at the root. … People almost invariably think they have forgiven when they haven't. And how shall we know? By simple, pure logic according to God's Word. If the problem is still there, forgiveness is incomplete (Sandford 1982:101).Another great barrier to forgiveness is the simple fact that because the person has caused us so much pain we don't want to forgive them. One solution for overcoming this may be in pointing to the fact that, until someone is forgiven, they will continue to hurt us because we have not released ourselves from the past. "Forgiveness is the only way to stop the pain" (Anderson 1990:203).
Sometimes we are afraid to forgive others because it seems to give them the power or permission to hurt us again. But actually the contrary is true. It is when we do not forgive that we continue to give people negative influence over our thoughts, our actions, and, as explained above, even our bodies (Flynn and Gregg 1993:94).(return to the Table of Contents)
First she presents the problem:
Some therapists, secular and Christian alike, warn against forgiving too quickly, before you have expressed your anger. This applies especially where abuse or molesting has gone on for a long time. If you forgive too quickly, they believe, you will be likely either to repress your real feelings and/or will feel guilty. I agree you should not be superficial in dealing with your anger, but on the other hand, as the Apostle Paul says, you should not "let the sun go down on you wrath" (Ephesians 4:26). To me this means that by the end of each day you need, with God's help, to forgive and be forgiven (Bennett 1987:158-9).Then she proceeds with what (to me) is a very insightful solution!
How can this paradox be reconciled? How can you forgive right away, and yet take time to get in touch with your deep feelings? By soul-healing prayer you can do both. You can forgive with your will immediately, or at least by the end of each day, and then forgive deeply with your emotions from the past, taking time to do this, perhaps over a period of years. … The first is forgiving on the level of your relationship with God. The second is forgiving on the level of your relationship with man. … The first cleanses you in your relationship to God. The second releases you in your relationship to people (Bennett 1987:159-160).I find this incredibly helpful. Obedient to God's word, I can willfully live in a continuing attitude of forgiveness. As I seek healing I can over and over again, as I become aware of hidden anger, will to forgive those who have hurt me (or I have perceived to hurt me). I can ask God for the grace to do this. At a deeper level, however, in the midst of a willful attitude of forgiveness, I can then really feel the anger, perhaps expressing it in some cathartic way, and move towards forgiving with my emotions as well-really feeling my forgiveness and overcoming my anger. This does not have to be accomplished all at once.
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We must be willing to face the past, to move past denial, to be honest and open, to fight patterns of fear or anger, to battle the oppression of the enemy-in brief, to work at getting well. … Patterns of anger, unforgiveness or denial, which were perhaps necessary for survival at an earlier stage of life, must be understood, faced, and surrendered to God. There must be a willing desire to work through whatever is there, even anger at God." (Flynn and Gregg 1993:118)"…The first step toward forgiveness is to acknowledge feelings of resentment and hate" (Seamands 1985:151). The client must look at some very specific hurts and be willing to relinquish all feelings of resentment. He or she must be willing to let go of any desire to get even and fully and unconditionally forgive (Seamands 1985:154-5).
The healing process must include the courage to unmask the anger, bring it out before God, and put it on the Cross where it belongs. There will be no healing until it is acknowledged, confronted, and resolved. Resolution means forgiving every person involved in that hurt and humiliation; it means surrendering every desire for a vindictive triumph over that person; it means allowing God's forgiving love to wash over your guilt-plagued soul." (Seamands 1991:96-7)
Many people confusedly think that have to go back and find whoever the person was and talk it out, and since the person may have died, there is no way. … Whoever hurt us may be unaware, or if aware, thought it long ago forgiven and done with. The counselor can pray for the forgiveness to be accomplished purely within the hidden heart of the counselee (Sandford 1982:102).Forgiving someone, however, does not require the presence of the one to be forgiven. It is an individual act of one who has been hurt and desires to be free. Since the command to forgive is absolute, the first order of business is to help the person to forgive the deceased. Even if the person we need to forgive has passed away, we are required to release her or him from our unforgiveness (Kraft 1993:211).
Sometimes the best a person can initially do is to "be willing to be made willing" to forgive. But that's usually enough to bring a considerable amount of healing. The person usually feels a great sense of relief. Given the depth of the hurt, we cannot expect everything to be taken care of quickly. Many years have gone into the making of the problem and the healing is likely to be a process. God accepts whatever steps we take towards obedience, and he will give the strength and grace to further the forgiveness process (Kraft 1993:122).Rita Bennett calls this "wishing you wanted for forgive" and illustrates a similar dynamic to what Kraft describes above:
If you feel you cannot will to forgive, you can do what Gloria did. As you recall, she found it hard to forgive but she said, "I wish I was willing to forgive." You can even pray, "Lord I wish I wanted to want to forgive!" If you open the door of forgiveness even just a crack, God can get His healing light into your life." (Bennett 1987:92-3)
During ministry be sure to affirm people's right to be angry and even unforgiving. Most of those struggling with unforgiveness have been badly wounded by others. They need to realize that they have this right. Affirming the fact that their feelings are normal and that they have a right to keep them can be very freeing (Kraft 1993:154).The important thing after affirming their anger and their right to it is then to get them to see that if they want to be healed they must give up that right.
I will often say something like this: "You have a right to be angry, hate, and even seek revenge. But if you exert that right … you will be enslaved to those feelings. And furthermore, you will probably never be able to get back at the perpetrators anyway. So Jesus says forgive them and get free" (Kraft 1993:128).
…It is often helpful to lead them to look at the perpetrator's past life. Since victims create victims, those who hurt others have usually been badly treated themselves. Often a simple question such as, "What was your father or mother's early life like?" is sufficient to change the attitude of a wounded son or daughter toward his or her parent. When we see our parents or others who have hurt us as themselves victims in their early life, it is usually easier to forgive them. … Having such troubles is no excuse for the abusers to do what they have done. But understanding their pain makes it easier to forgive them (Kraft 1993:156).
…We cannot blame other people or demons for the problems raised by our reactions. … If we want to be healed we must be determined to face and work through the events and our attitudes toward them. Attitudes such as anger, bitterness, fear, and resentment, whether initially identified as sins or not, need to be admitted and handed over to God. …He holds us accountable for our reactions. … When we have been victimized, God's rules require us to give up all right to revenge against those who have hurt us (Kraft 1993:148-9).Realizing our own responsibility for our reactions is also important because we will likely need to confess our sin for hanging onto anger for so long, when we have been commanded to forgive. After giving forgiveness to others, the person being ministered to should be encouraged to confess and ask for forgiveness for their own sin. They should then be blessed with assurance of that forgiveness. (Note we should be careful not to bring up issues of the sinfulness of reactions too soon. If the person is still largely hurting, this will just pile more guilt upon their own self-condemnation.)
Often … releasing such intense feelings to God is a process rather than a single, once-for-all act. We who minister need to recognize this and not be impatient if people cannot shed all their anger and unforgiveness immediately. God understands this and often grants great freedom to those who have simply taken the first step of their journey toward completely forgiving those who have hurt them (Kraft 1993:155).According to Seamands, forgiveness often needs to be reiterated, as even anger we thought we have worked through may come up on new levels. We need to be honest with our feelings before God. "The crisis of forgiving really means committing ourselves to be willing to continue the process, whenever it is necessary" (Seamands 1985:157).
Beyond forgiveness, then, lies what for many is an even greater challenge, the challenge to learn to love the persons they have just forgiven. Scripturally, love is a choice, not an emotion. We are to choose to love people whether or not we like them. We are to choose to love even our enemies (Mt 5:44; Lk 6:27,35) and to bless those who have cursed us (Mt 5:44; Lk 6:28; Rom 12:14). The ability to love those who have harmed us is an undeniable demonstration of the freedom Christ bestows on us when we forgive (Kraft 1993:156).Of course many times we may already love the person we are forgiving. That love itself may have initially been a block to admitting our anger.
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…Victims tend to blame themselves for their problems, especially when they have been mistreated early in life. In ministry we frequently find such people unforgiving and angry towards themselves, as if they had been the perpetrators. In the wake of such attitudes often come self-condemnation, self-rejection, and self-hate, in many cases reinforced by demons (Kraft 1993:156, emphasis mine).This self-condemnation and self-hatred has usually begin in childhood, as children unknowingly often blame themselves for the bad things that happen to them. I, for example, realized recently that in some ways I blamed myself for my father's death when I was only six years old. My childhood mind reasoned (more felt, actually), "If I was good enough, Daddy would have come home. It is my fault he died." It may help for the adult self to tell an inner child who thinks he or she is to blame that it wasn't his or her fault. Affirming a person's self worth as a child created in God's image could be very important as part of this process. See Anderson's Victory Over the Darkness for a very helpful discussion of the healing power of realizing our identity in Christ.While it is difficult to forgive others, it is often even more difficult to forgive ourselves. Because of shame from sin or self-hatred arising from trauma or abuse, we find that we ourselves have become the enemy we need to forgive and to love (Mt 5:43-45) (Flynn and Gregg 1993:95, emphasis mine).
Sometimes the greatest battle is not in forgiving those who have hurt us, or in receiving God's forgiveness for our hates, but in trying to forgive ourselves. … Here again, counselors must emphasize the will to forgive ourselves and the commitment to continue doing this (Seamands 1985:159).
People may be struggling with guilt and unforgiveness of themselves for having unfinished business with someone who has died. "To resolve such a situation, the negligence that resulted in the decay will probably need to be confessed as sin first. Having accepted God's forgiveness, the person then needs to forgive himself or herself" (Kraft 1993:211). One important step toward self-forgiveness may be in knowing that Jesus has forgiven us and he expects us to forgive those he has forgiven (including ourselves) (Kraft 1993:157). David Seamands suggests some helpful questions for people who are having trouble forgiving themselves:
Will you right now ask God to give you the grace to forgive yourself? To abandon your strange desire to have higher standards than God does? Will you give up your right to condemn yourself? Will you ask God for the grace to never again remind Him of things He says He doesn't remember (Seamands 1985:159)?(return to the Table of Contents)
Anger at God may be very difficult for many Christians to admit, however. "This is not considered proper, even though we know Job, David, and undoubtedly many others have expressed their anger at God. Many, however, fear that God will disown us or punish us for our anger. So they, like Adam, try to hide their secret even from God himself (Kraft 1993:158)." Seamands describes the shock many people have felt during counseling times with him when they come to terms with their anger:
Perhaps the most puzzling and shocking experience of all is when devout Christians find themselves overrun by feelings of anger against God Himself. This is terribly hard to admit. I have spent many sessions gently leading counselees to the place where they finally realize their resentment against God. The shock has been so great that some have momentarily passed out in my office, or have became [sic] nauseated to the point of vomiting. For they love God and want to serve and please Him and are devastated when they discover this submerged anger against Him (Seamands 1985:92).The Sandford's explain that it is not lack of faith to think such thoughts or a sin to be angry at God. Here again, many Christians struggle with feelings that anger itself is sin. But it is what we do with anger that makes it either righteousness or sin (Sandford 1985:445-6). Such anger may even be initially healthy.
It says that we believe in God and therefore expect that He ought to be there for us. … For the moment our anger says we love. … God can take it. He doesn't need you to defend Him! Let people express their angers (Sandford 1985:446).What does forgiving God mean, since we know he hasn't really done anything wrong?
…When Job repented (Job 42:2-6), he released God from his anger, bitterness, and resentment. This is what I mean by "forgiving God." Though we don't understand, we can give up our right to be angry at him, if effect agreeing, as Job did (40:3-5; 42:2-6) that God can run things, even our lives, his way. This is hard to agree to, but it is the only way to freedom." (Kraft 1993:158)We must forgive God! "Forgiveness is not complete until God the Father is included. Scripture says, 'When a man's folly brings his way to ruin, his heart rages against the Lord' (Prov. 19:3 RSV) (Sandford 1982:105)." Even when our mind denies our anger against God, the Bible tells us that we will in our heart harbor anger against the Lord which we must, like all the other anger we have discussed, release to him. We should confess our sin and receive forgiveness at this point for harboring bitterness against him.
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Sometimes we need some kind of cathartic or emotional expression of our anger to truly express it and not allow it to fester inside. A psychologist has suggested writing unsent letters to people, as a method for expressing one's true feelings and I have found it helpful. I risk baring my soul to you, but following is an unfinished and unsent letter I recently wrote to my father (deceased twenty years ago in a plane accident):
That is a letter obviously filled with intense emotion. I sobbed as I wrote it and it provided me with great release as I was able to come to terms with my anger, hidden so long beneath my love for him. Having expressed this, I was able at a deeper level to forgive my father for dieing. Other actions which may be a release are hitting something such as a pillow "tantrum style" or simply yelling at God or at the universe. God can handle it! Just try not to hit or yell at another person!
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As God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful (Col 3:12-15, NRSV).(return to the Table of Contents)
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